I don't know how I overlooked it when we unpacked several weeks ago but there it was the teddy bear I had picked out at the flower shop before burying my precious little baby...the teddy bear he would never hold or kiss...it would never look worn or dirty. I would never have any reason to wash it or repair the stuffing. It would rest safely in a box untouched as I found it today...until now. Now it has a place, a purpose, a playmate. Kensleigh would squeeze it and love it and give it a place amongst all of her other prized possessions. I thought that would make me feel better...
It didn't.
I sobbed as I longed for the simplest things...his sweaty sloppy kisses...To smell his skin after he'd played outside in the dirt and mud...To taste his sucker after he'd pressed it to my lips insisting that I try it...To dropping him off at his first day of Kindergarten. Wait...has it been so long that my baby would be starting school??? What would he wear? Who would be his favorite teacher? Would he make a best friend on the first day or tell me about one of his many girlfriends? Oh how I long for moments that I occasionally take for granted now.
It's been too long since I let myself cry for him..for me. It's really for me, isn't it? He's surrounded by perfection, absolutely fulfilled and carefree. I'm crying for me, for the pain and agony that I have done such a good job of containing. I've resisted the urge to shed too many tears because I have such a beautiful healthy daughter now that I feel as if I still longed for Dawson that would mean I didn't love her as much...
It's just the opposite. I love her more. The harsh reality is that if Dawson was here, I wouldn't have Kensleigh...I don't know that I would be capable of loving her as deeply as I do now either. I know that a mother's love is unconditional...it's indescribable how much you love your child...and it's probably hard to believe it when I say I love Kensleigh even beyond that.
Sigh...
Today I allowed myself to feel broken...in the moment I felt empty....
And then I heard Kensleigh calling for me...
There will be other times...silent times for me to mourn and cry and hurt. For now, I'm too busy being a mom...
Hold him in your memory..find him in your dreams..
